Day 15, Month 1

Yesterday was day 15 ...

I'm one of this, well, crazy women for lack of a better word.  While trying to conceive, I'm convinced every month that I'm pregnant.  And most months I'm let down when Flow comes to visit.  Although I've been able to conceive both times we've tried in the past, in those first passing months, I get a glimpse of what it's like to never be able to.  I'm not saying I can relate, because I can't.  But, the bottom that drops out of you when you see the first trace of your period, I've felt that.

After our first daughter, E, I had a lot of problems and merely 10 days after delivery was told that I had a 90-95% chance of having a hysterectomy.  Although very confused about how I felt, my first thought was thank god we had one healthy baby.  As my husband turned white at the doctors words and had to take a seat, I could see the fear in his eyes.  His first thoughts were my health.  He was so sick to his stomach he could not accompany me to the hospital the next day,  my mother-in-law joined me instead.  I had this calm about me that day, I just wanted to feel better and no longer cared what it took.  15 maybe 20 minutes after being put under, everything had went perfectly and I was in recovery.  I thank god every day for the ability to have baby #2, A.

So, day 15 (the day after "Day 14") I was convinced every cramp was implementation happening.  I'm sure that these cramps are either ovulation, side effects from coming off the pill, or just completely made up in my head, but it's fun to think that a little baby can be forming inside me.  On top of these "cramps", I also had a dirty dream.  And, when I say dirty dream, I have never watched any porno like my dirty dreams. They are twisted!  I'm also never "in" the dream, I'm watching like a movie.  Last night it was a women with a penis and a man with a vagina, having very heated sex.  Just weird.  But regardless, through both of my first two pregnancies, I had these dreams.  So, once again "cramps" + "dirty dreams"...I'm totally preggo ;)  You can laugh in about 10 days when Flow comes to visit me.

And for good measure and because I kinda like my hubby, I was in the mood last night.  Until we had all tucked into bed and I asked him if he had packed A for the babysitter.  He proudly pronounced No and asked me to do it.  No big deal right?  Except I do it EVERY time and he only has to take her to the babysitter 2 times a week, I do ALL other drop offs.  I was suddenly completely turned off and ready for bed.  He thinks I'm "withholding" but I'm not sure he realizes how much that stuff is a turn off, especially right before I was going to jump him.  URGH!  And this is probably why I had the dirty dream...